


I Am Not the Rock You Need to Save You

by captain_staryeyed



Series: Angel of Music(als) [3]
Category: Preludes-Dave Malloy, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Ficlet, Musical References, References to Depression, Sad Ending, Sort Of, alternate universe-Russia turn of century, based on Dave Malloy musical, though not explicitly mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-30 11:25:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17827655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captain_staryeyed/pseuds/captain_staryeyed
Summary: After the scathing review of his first symphony, Russian composer Ben Solo spirals into depression and writer's block. Unable to continue seeing him like this, Rey says farewell.Based on the song "Natalya" from the musicalPreludesby Dave Malloy.





	I Am Not the Rock You Need to Save You

Airy light notes floated through the old house. A figure in a soft, cream-colored dress leaned against the doorway, watching the pianist's fingers dance over the keys. Rey closed her eyes and let her head rest upon the doorway as her mind wandered off into distant lands.

She envisioned herself waltzing down the cobblestone streets of Paris, the gentle Sun caressing her skin. She felt her fiance’s hand in her own as he brought it up to his lips, sweetly kissing each knuckle. 

The scene changed. She saw the two of them spinning around a ballroom, flying past all of the other party goers. A brilliant blur of jewel-toned fabrics and laughter.

And then thunder.

And then silence.

Helplessly, she watched Ben as he slammed the piano closed. He abruptly stood up, nearly causing the rickety old piano bench to topple over.

“This is useless!” He growled in frustration, shoving his fists in his hair. 

“It’s beautiful.”

He scoffed. “It’s nothing. Mindless drivel. Not even a mere spect of dust in the context of the universe.”

Over time, all of his self-deprecation and offhand negativity about his work had built up inside her. She couldn’t stand how blind he was to his own talent. Fury burned within her chest. “Why can't you just snap out of it! This...this whatever this is.”

Ben flinched.

The look he gave her when he turned his attention to her shattered her heart. 

Her love had been wallowing in writer’s block ever since the reviews for his first symphony had come in. They had been less than ideal.

_”That two-bit hack of a journalist wouldn’t know good music if slapped him in the face._

_“Hux, that worthless conductor, was drunk. Drunk!”_ He had laughed, but it was not funny.

The worst was when she overheard him talking to himself several months after the concert. 

_”That was it. That infernal piece was the best thing I’ll ever do.” He paused. “I’ll never amount to anything more than that.”_

There were days where he would not roll out of bed until hours after she had left for work. There were times where she had entered his study only to find him staring at the wall, his once expressive eyes devoid of life.

At first, she had tried to accommodate him. She had tried to pull him out of the all-consuming black void that threatened to swallow him whole.

But after three years of acting as the only thing tethering him to the waking world, she could not take it anymore. 

For her sake, she had to leave.

The thought of being away from her great composer hurt her like a dagger through the heart. But being with him, well, she couldn’t breathe anymore.

So she had packed her bags and arranged to stay with Finn and Rose for however long they would extend their welcome. However long it took him to fix himself.

“Goodbye, my love.”

Confusion morphed his handsome--albeit somewhat large--features. “Where are you going?”

She could not tell him. If she did, she feared he would follow her instead of focusing on healing himself. She twisted the engagement band around her finger, a habit she did not remember picking up. 

When he did not push for her to respond (a thing he used to do; a thing she had grown to miss), she continued. “I love you, Ben, I do. And I want you to get better--to overcome these feelings that plague you...but it’s all too much for me.”

Then she voiced the thoughts she had been holding in for too long. “I can’t help you. I try and I try, but it’s not enough. I can’t save you from this--from yourself. I’m not strong enough for the both of us.”

At some point, he had fallen to his knees. He took it all in silence. 

Rey padded her way over to him. She hated seeing her dark, brilliant knight in such despair.

She held onto his broad shoulders and bent down, placing a soft kiss on the top of his head. When she made to move away, his hand grasped ahold of her wrist and he drew it to his lips.

“Stay.”

Rey joined him on the ground. Her free hand threaded itself in his thick hair, tilting his head down to her, though his gaze needed no coaxing.

“Do whatever you need to do to make yourself whole again, then send for me. I will be waiting.” The corners of her lips upturned. “I know a thing or two about waiting.”

She yearned to plant a kiss on his lips, but she knew if she did, she would not be able to stop. Knew that she would never want to leave the comfort of his arms. So she rose and left him surrounded in his darkness.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Comments and Kudos are always welcome!
> 
> I originally wrote this a while back but ended up completely rewriting it when I came back to it. In the end, I felt like it conveyed the song "Natalya" and the final Rey/Kylo Ren scene in TLJ pretty well. 
> 
> Once again, this was based on the song "Natalya" from the musical _Preludes_ by Dave Malloy. I highly recommend giving it a listen to.


End file.
